Are people overwhelmed, overworked, frustrated, and spending more time working around each other or even against each other than working with each other? Below, I have an activity that may help.
I have noticed a pattern lately. After keynotes and training, I am getting more and more people pulling me aside, leaning in, and asking some version of:
“People are stuck in their silos, avoiding one another.”
“I have two people who are not talking.”
“I have someone on my team who refuses to work with someone else.”
What do I do?
The Missing Piece
There is no magic solution, quick fix, or one thing that will address the problem, but there is always something that is missing when people are in conflict:
Understanding.
If you have been following me for a while, you will know my background is in international conflict resolution. I only got into appreciation and recognition when I realized it is conflict prevention.
A mentor of mine, Dr. Jonathan Reitman, who sadly passed away a few years back, would always say…
“90% of conflict resolution is understanding the other side’s point of view.”
The challenge is getting people willing and open to understand others, and that is even harder today.
When people are in a constant state of stress, overwhelmed, anxious, and uncertain about the future, that fight or flight response in our brain is on high alert. People become closed off, defensive, and often committed to being right in order to protect themselves.
So if we want to get people to shift from defending to listening for understanding, we have to temporarily remove the threat.
Here is what that can look like in a small moment.
Several months back, during a major ice storm, I watched a woman walk up to a county employee who was blocking a road as the plows came through.
She asked if she could walk around.
The guy snapped at her and told her to go away.
She walked off frustrated and said, “I don’t know what that guy’s problem is.”
A minute later, I walked up to the truck and asked, “How long have you been working? How much sleep have you gotten the last couple of nights?”
He looked at me and said, “Sleep? Maybe three hours, if you can even call that sleep. We are understaffed. We don’t have the equipment. People are calling all day, and no matter what we do, we’re getting yelled at.”
I said, “Thank you for all that you’re doing. I can’t imagine that’s easy.”
He paused. “It’s not.”
You could see it. The tension dropped. He calmed down.
I said, “I really appreciate what you’re doing out here.”
We waved and I walked off.
People who don’t feel understood will never feel truly appreciated.
We create those moments of understanding by helping people slow down, look up, and begin to see the people around them.
One way I have been doing this recently in keynotes and training is with a simple activity I call:
Appreciation Through Understanding
Near the end of the session, I have people walk across the room and interview a coworker about what it is like to do their job, asking a series of questions:
What does it take to do your job that no one sees?
What is that like for you?
What are you most proud of?
What matters most to you right now at work and home?
Next, we have people write down three people to interview in the coming weeks, and three more after that. Does it address everything? No. But it opens the door. People start to see each other again.
If you want to begin to decrease the tension in your organization, start with understanding.
A simple way to try this this week:
Step one
Pick one person where there is tension. Start simple:
“Hey, sometimes I realize I don’t listen or I get frustrated, but I haven’t taken the time to understand what’s been going on for you right now. What is it like to do your job that nobody sees? What are some of the biggest frustrations?”
Then listen. Don’t fix it. Don’t defend. Just understand.
Step two
If you are a leader, set the context:
“Hey, I realized that we’ve been going really fast and haven’t been taking time to slow down and work together. I saw this activity in a newsletter that I’m a part of and thought it would be a good way to help us slow down and better understand what it’s been like for people to do their job.”
Introduce the questions and the activity, then give people 10 minutes. Breakout rooms if you are online, or have people turn to one another, step into the hall, or go for a walk.
Try it this week and let me know how it goes.
And if you have an event coming up, an all staff meeting, or a team retreat and you want to help open up lines of communication and give your leaders tools and resources to keep them open on a regular basis, reach out to me here.
