How often have you known that you needed to have a conversation and avoided it. You needed to deliver feedback to your boss, to a coworker, to an employee, or definitely to a family member… but because you were worried about damaging the relationship, you put it off.
The sad thing is, we often do more damage to our relationships by not giving feedback than by actually giving it. Have you ever gone to the bathroom after talking with somebody for an hour only to realize you had spinach in your teeth and nobody told you?
“Why didn’t anybody tell me?”
The same thing happens when we get feedback in December for something we did back in January, only to find out people have been frustrated with us for months and we never had the opportunity to fix it.
And if people don’t tell us, we don’t have the opportunity to address it, improve it, or grow from it.
If we truly care about our relationships, if we truly care about working better together, then we take the time to give straight, honest, and open feedback that actually helps people grow. (And if people are not giving us straight feedback, it’s always good to ask if we are making it safe for them to do so!)
And ironically, it’s in having those conversations that relationships often become stronger.
Feedback Is Not Separate From the Relationship
One of the biggest mistakes people make is thinking negative feedback is somehow separate from the relationship.
But feedback is actually how we strengthen our relationships!
It shows people I want us to work better together, and I am unwilling to harbor resentment and frustration.
It’s through working through tension together that trust actually builds, psychological safety is created, and our relationship gets stronger!
(BTW, the reason I spend so much time talking about day-to-day appreciation and recognition is that when people feel valued, feedback occurs as a contribution. And when we don’t, it occurs as criticism or worse as an attack!)
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Get Clear on What You’re Actually Seeing
Before the conversation, get crystal clear on what you’re observing.
Not your assumptions. “They already know they need to work on this – they just don’t want to!” Not your stories. “They did this because they don’t value me as a leader.”
Not your judgments. “They will never change!”
The actual behavior.
Then get clear on:
- What your observing
- The impact on you, the team, the organization
- What you would love to see instead
Focus on the Behavior, Not the Person
Let’s say you have an employee who dominates meetings.
They interrupt people, jump in quickly, and as a result other people stop contributing.
Instead of saying:
“You need to stop being so rude in meetings.”
You might say:
Set the context
“Hey John, I wanted to have a conversation about something I’ve been noticing and honestly have been putting off. But I realized you can’t work on something if I never actually share it.”
What you observed
“I’ve noticed in meetings that when people are speaking, you often jump in really quickly afterward. And I know your intention isn’t bad. I know you’re engaged and trying to contribute. Last week, Maria was sharing…(then give a concrete example)
The Impact
“But what I’ve noticed is that when Maria speaks up and then gets interrupted, she tends to shut down afterward. Sometimes she even turns her camera off or stops contributing.”
“And the challenge is, we need those voices in the room. We need people contributing ideas if we want open conversations and better collaboration.”
What You Want to See Instead
“So what I’d love for you to work on is becoming more aware of how much space you’re taking up in meetings and intentionally help create space for other people.”
“Maybe after you share, pause before jumping back in. Or invite someone else in by saying, ‘Hey Maria, what are your thoughts on this?’”
Turn Feedback Into a Dialogue
After you give the feedback, don’t just leave it sitting there awkwardly.
Turn it into a conversation.
Ask:
- “How are you experiencing this?”
- “Does this make sense?”
- “Am I missing anything?”
- “Help me understand your perspective.”
And if you notice the person shutting down, reconnect to your intention.
“This isn’t because there’s something wrong with you. This is something I want you to work on because I care about your growth and development and our team culture.”
Because when people feel heard instead of attacked, they’re much more likely to stay open.
Recognize Progress
This is the piece most people forget. What we nurture grows. If we want to embed behavior change, we need to notice and reinforce progress.
Even if it’s a small win. Acknowledge it immediately.
Maybe in the next meeting John still interrupts twice, but then catches himself and invites Maria into the conversation.
That matters.
So afterward, pull him aside and say:
“Hey, I noticed you were working on this today. I saw you pause and invite Maria into the conversation, and it made a difference.”
Because we want to recognize what we want more of and redirect what we don’t want.
Behavior change is hard. And when people feel seen for making progress, they become much more likely to continue improving.
Final Thought
There is a cost to avoiding conversations.
A cost to us because we carry the frustration, anxiety, resentment, and extra work.
But there’s also a cost to the other person who never gets the opportunity to address the issue or grow from it.
So if you really want to maintain strong relationships, remember this:
Feedback, when delivered intentionally, clearly, and with care, is not a threat to the relationship.
It’s one of the best ways to make our relationships stronger!
If you found this helpful, you might also enjoy How to Ask for Feedback at Work and Get Something You Can Actually Use.
And if your team or organization could use support in building a culture where feedback feels like a contribution (not an attack), where people feel valued enough to hear the hard stuff, I’d love to help. Reach out and let’s start that conversation, or view my programs here.
