Have you ever had a relationship at work shift?
Maybe at one point you worked really well together. You talked regularly, understood each other, and things just seemed to work.
Then, slowly (or really fast), something changed.
Maybe you stopped checking in as much. Emails got longer and more carefully worded. Instead of talking to each other, you started talking to other people about each other.
If you work (or live) with other human beings, friction and frustration are inevitable.
Miscommunications are going to happen. Breakdowns are going to happen. People will do something, often unintentionally, that will have a negative impact on somebody else. And usually, we don’t even realize it until we feel like something has shifted in our relationship.
And frustration isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Healthy frustration can be an incredibly useful signal that something isn’t working.
The problem is what happens when we ignore it.
A small frustration gets avoided. Then another gets added to it. Over time, those experiences start to turn into resentment.
And eventually, resentment hardens into a fixed view of another person.
“They don’t care.”
“They’re impossible to work with.”
“They’re incompetent.”
“They’re selfish.”
We’ve stopped responding to something the person did and started deciding who the person is!
And once we get there, it’s much harder to find our way back.
Over the years, whether I’ve been working with groups in conflict or teams that have slowly broken into silos, I’ve found that our working relationships are always moving up and down a spectrum:
Working with each other → Working around each other → Working against each other
The teams and leaders who get it aren’t the ones who never experience friction. They’re the ones who notice issues early and address them before they cement into toxic, unproductive team dynamics!
And they understand that there are two conversations they need to keep coming back to.
Conversation One: The Work
Conversation One is where we spend the majority of our time in our one-on-ones and team meetings. It’s how we support our customers, our patients, and our clients, and all the conversations about what needs to get done:
- What are we trying to accomplish?
- Who is responsible for what?
- What needs to happen, and by when?
- What does good work look like?
- What progress are we making?
- What decisions or problems need our attention?
- How do we need to adjust or adapt to meet our goals?
- What resources or support do we need?
- How will we hold each other accountable?
(By the way, many teams don’t have this conversation particularly well either, which often creates the need for Conversation Two.)
Conversation Two: How We’re Working Together
The leaders and teams with high levels of psychological safety, trust, and open communication understand that getting the work done also requires talking about how we’re working together.
Now, are we talking about how we’re working together all the time? No, of course not.
They’re shifting back and forth between the two conversations. And when they notice little frustrations starting to arise, like emails getting more carefully worded or people talking about each other instead of to each other, they acknowledge it:
“Hey, I’ve been noticing a little more frustration, and people starting to not communicate as well. I think it’s time to step back and check in about how we’re working together.”
Think about the scale in the image. Ten is where we’re working really well together. One is where we’re spending our time working against each other.
The goal isn’t to wait until we’re down at a two or a three to have Conversation Two. It’s to notice when we’ve slipped to an eight or a seven and address what’s happening.
“We’re meeting all the time, and we don’t have time to do the actual work.”
Okay, let’s revisit our meeting norms and expectations. What could we shift right now, or in the future, to address that?
“People are messaging and emailing 24 hours a day. Between Slack and Teams, I feel like I can’t get anything done.”
Okay, what do we need to agree on around when we send messages, how quickly we expect a response, and when people need uninterrupted time to work?
Every frustration is an invitation to shift into the conversation about how we’re working together.
It’s a chance to address an issue while it’s small, before it becomes another reason to work around or against each other.
Start With One Small Issue
Ask yourself right now: When was the last time you and the people you work with had a conversation about how you were working together?
If it’s been a long time, the hardest part is often simply starting the conversation.
Now, every team is at a different place. If you haven’t taken my 10-question relationship-building assessment, it’s a great place to start to see where you’re at.
Then, don’t try to address everything. Just start with one issue.
If you’re not sure how to do it, you might start with something like:
“Hey, I’ve noticed some frustration recently. I feel like there are some conversations we’ve been avoiding, and I think it’s making it harder to work together. Now, we can’t address everything right now, but I would love to just talk about X.”
Pick one issue, and either in your one-on-one or as a team, invite people into the conversation. Take time to understand what’s happening and what you could all agree to do differently.
Many times, what’s missing is that we’re simply not having Conversation Two. And often, we also don’t have clear norms and agreements about how we’re going to work together.
If you don’t have any norms, check out my article and video on how to set and maintain team norms.
These little practices (expressing our appreciation, recognizing effort and progress, and taking time to understand each other and what matters most to us) are all about making investments to be able to build the kind of relationships where, when frustrations arise, people actually bring them up because they care about working well together. You don’t have to wait until you’re working against each other.
So today, think about one small frustration you’ve been working around. Who could you invite into that second conversation?
And if I can ever support you and your team in opening up the lines of communication and keeping them open, learn more about my programs or reach out at beyondthankyou.com.
