When Feedback Goes Wrong
Do you need to give feedback to an employee, but the last time you did it didn’t go so well? Maybe they got angry, upset, started yelling—or emotionally shut down and began to cry.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
In this post, we’ll look at why people sometimes get upset the way they do, how to prepare to give feedback so the recipient will be more receptive, and what to do in the actual meeting if they get upset. We will also talk about what to do afterward —if it still doesn’t work.
Every Situation Is Different
Before we start, it’s important to acknowledge that every situation is different.
There’s the work, the pace, the people involved, their history, their day so far—everything that’s happened leading up to this moment.
So, while there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, there are some common things we can look at to understand what’s really happening and how to navigate it better next time.
And just to be clear—if the person you’re dealing with has yelled, made threats, damaged property, or crossed any major boundaries, that’s not a simple feedback issue. That’s something you need to bring to HR right away and get proper support in navigating.
Why People React
The reason people get upset when they receive feedback isn’t always clear-cut.
Sometimes, it’s not even about the feedback itself. Maybe they didn’t sleep well. Maybe they’re under pressure at home. Or maybe what you said triggered something deeper.
We all have triggers—those little things people say or do that set us off. Someone makes a comment, rolls their eyes, or gives a look, and suddenly we’re interpreting it to mean they don’t respect me or they don’t care about me. Our chest tightens. We go on defense. And before we know it, we’re reacting instead of responding.
So when someone reacts strongly to feedback, that feedback may have hit a trigger. Your intention might have been to help them grow—but their brain registered a threat.
That reaction isn’t helpful, but it’s human. Our job as leaders is to learn how to navigate around it.
Start by Owning Your Part
Before giving feedback again, start by asking yourself:
“How might I have contributed to how that conversation went last time?”
Did you blindside the person? Were they in the middle of something important? Did you give feedback on the fly because you were frustrated in the moment?
Unless someone’s in danger, most feedback doesn’t need to happen right now. Yet, we often give it that way—and then wonder why it didn’t go well.
If you didn’t give context, examples, or time to prepare, that might have contributed to their reaction. Looking back at the setup can reveal what went wrong before you ever get to the words you said.
Three Common Types of Upset
In almost every conflict I’ve seen, there’s one (or more) of three root causes behind the upset:
- Undelivered Communication – We didn’t say something we needed to say.
- Thwarted Intention – We tried to help, but it wasn’t received that way.
- Unfulfilled Expectation – We expected someone to react or perform a certain way—and they didn’t.
Any of these can create frustration or defensiveness on either side.
And when we combine those with poor timing or lack of clarity, we set the stage for a blow-up.
Drop the Labels
Another trap we fall into is labeling people:
“She’s difficult.” “He’s emotional.” “They’re defensive.”
Once we’ve labeled someone, we start talking to the label, not the person.
And when people feel labeled, they respond in kind—talking to our label. Now it’s “stupid” talking to “incompetent,” and no one’s having the real conversation.
Before you go into your next feedback discussion, ask yourself:
“What labels have I put on this person?”
And—this one’s harder—what purpose are those labels serving for me?
Sometimes, labeling someone as “difficult” protects us from re-feeling the discomfort of past interactions. But if we keep them in that box, we rob both of us of the chance to move forward. We put the label on, so we are also the ones who take the label off.
Drop the label, own your part, and start fresh.
Get Clear Before You Speak
Once you’ve cleared the emotional noise, it’s time to get specific.
Ask yourself:
- What’s the behavior or action I’m giving feedback on?
- What’s a concrete example of when it happened?
- What’s the impact of that behavior on me, the team, or the customer?
- What would I like to see instead?
“Be less negative” isn’t feedback.
“I noticed during yesterday’s meeting you rolled your eyes when your colleague spoke, and it shut the conversation down,” is.
Clarity is kindness. When you’re clear about what happened, why it matters, and what you’d like to see next, you give the person something they can act on rather than defend against.
Set the Conversation Up for Success
Once you’re clear on what you want to say, set the stage for a productive conversation.
Never catch someone off guard with feedback—especially if the relationship is strained.
Instead, schedule a time and give a little context:
“Hey, I’d like to use our one-on-one next week to talk about some things I’ve been noticing and how we can improve moving forward.”
That heads-up may make them nervous, but that’s okay. It’s far better than surprising them mid-day in front of others. You’re signaling respect and giving them a chance to show up ready.
In the Meeting
When the time comes, start with intention.
“Thanks for making time today. I wanted to talk about a few things I’ve noticed and what I’d like you to be working on.”
If they’ve reacted poorly in the past, acknowledge it.
“I’ll be honest, I’ve put off having this conversation because last time I didn’t deliver it well, and I noticed you got upset. I hesitated because I didn’t want to make things worse. But I also realized it’s not fair for me to stay frustrated without being honest about what I need from you.”
That level of ownership disarms defensiveness.
Then, make your purpose clear:
“I’m sharing this because I want to help you succeed and create an environment where we can all do our best work.”
From there, share your observations and ask if it’s okay to give feedback now.
If they say no, that’s fine—but be clear that the conversation still needs to happen soon.
As you talk, notice their reactions.
If they’re tense or withdrawn, say so with care:
“You look upset—what’s coming up for you as I share this?”
Let them speak. Listen.
Reinforce that you’re on their side, not against them.
And if you truly believe they can improve, tell them that. Be specific about what they do well and what you want to see more of. Then ask:
“What do you think about what I’m sharing? How can we work on this together?”
Keep the focus on growth, not blame.
After the Conversation
Once the feedback is out there, your job isn’t done.
Look for improvement—and catch them doing it right.
Even small progress deserves acknowledgment:
“I noticed you really took our conversation to heart. Thank you for putting in the effort.”
Recognition builds goodwill. It also builds trust—and trust is what makes feedback stick.
The more someone feels valued and appreciated, the less defensive they’ll be next time.
When It Still Doesn’t Work
And sometimes, even after all of that, they don’t change.
At that point, the next step may be helping them find a different role or even a different job that’s a better fit. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone struggle in one environment, then thrive once they move on.
That doesn’t mean you failed. It means you did your part. You prepared, you communicated, you supported. And now it’s time to make space for both of you to move forward.
Don’t Avoid the Conversation
None of this is easy.
If it were, you wouldn’t be reading this—and I wouldn’t spend my career helping leaders do it.
But avoiding the conversation only makes it harder later.
So, set a date. Prepare. Get clear.
Then have the conversation. Because once you do, one of two things will happen:
You’ll either start to resolve the issue—or you’ll realize it can’t be resolved.
And either way, you’ll be free to move forward.
If you found this helpful, share it with another leader who’s wrestling with how to give tough feedback.
These conversations get easier when we learn together.
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